she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
