Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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