hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
