I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
