Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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