Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
