My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
are you so shy because you have an std?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
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