I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
