I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You made out with two different species that night
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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