The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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