There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
