Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize