In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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