i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
