Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
