do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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