Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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