I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
