how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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