I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
