wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
