Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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