smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
