my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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