just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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