apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
