Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
