Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
