the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I need moral support for this bender
My liver just had a heart attack.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
