i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
