One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
