i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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