I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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