I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
