Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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