life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
