I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
