Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
