I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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