This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize