its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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