If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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