the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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