i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
