i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
