I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
