Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
