I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We had sex on a dog bed..
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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