Pappa wants mamma naked
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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