Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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