so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize