You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
