so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
