Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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