Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
