Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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