he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
