I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
