Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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