So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
