I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
this beer tastes like vomit already
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
high people should be assigned attendants
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
