I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
