I'm gonna have a badass scar
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
