If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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