I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Drake has all the answers
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
