Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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