Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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