Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
