I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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