Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
